Be-Do-Have

Where to start

One of the reasons I am doing this is because a few years ago after my second child was born, I fell into a pretty intense season of depression. Don’t worry, I waited till AFTER my wife’s Post-Partum depression to make it all about me (which I have actually heard is quite common phenomenon with men. Once wife stabilizes, it’s my turn!). The reasons for all of this are complex and ultimately a mystery, but if I were to do an autopsy on my depressive self at that time, one part of it could be the shift in my relationship with my wife that kids brought. It caught me by surprise. My sister the therapist says men are besought at some point during the child rearing season with “attachment grief”, the loss of their wife to their children. I am not sure if that is what was happening, but it did feel overtime like our relationship had shifted in a way that required me to mature, but I was not ready. It revealed an area of “unfinishedness” that coupled with other areas, would lead me to a place to consider something like The Preparation. The Preparation quotes Epictetus, who wrote, “Difficulty shows what men are. Therefore when a difficulty falls upon you, remember that God, like a trainer of wrestlers, has matched you with a rough young man. Why? So that you may become an Olympic conqueror; but it is not accomplished without sweat.”

Life was in cahoots with God, wrestling me to the ground, revealing that I had put too many “eggs” as it were into our relational basket, that I was overly enmeshed to the marital bond. It revealed that I had failed to build relationships outside of my family (something I think contributes to the loneliness men experience). I was the classic “family man” with no intimate male relationships. It wasn’t until close to a year later that I was able to receive this wrestling in a Jacobian way, blessed with my limp, new limits and deeper relationships.

The Austrian doctor and psychotherapist Alfred Adler interpreted depression as ultimately a lack of courage; a retreat from life’s challenges that involves a disbelief in one’s capability to independently develop. Male depression can actually look like an externalized overcompensation in one area to avoid an atrophied area (i.e. the classic work > relationships . . . see Terry Real’s I Don’t Want to Talk About It). It can look like careerism. It can look like acting out in aggressive, reckless ways. It can look like escapist behaviors and unnecessary risks. It can look like the pursuit of a new novel sexual experience. It can look like constantly being busy with “projects” or “jobs”. It can look a million ways but the goal is the same: to avoid BEING and the feeling of incapability. To severe and cauterize emotional pain. Most men go years or even the rest of their lives living this way, unless they have the severe mercy of having their typical defense mechanisms taken away through injury, unemployment, tragedy, etc. Here they arrive at the question of their Being. If only we would’ve have started here: answering the question of Being and seeking out experiences that reinforce it. And this is where The Preparation begins - with Being.

The authors start with a working philosophical anthropology pulled out of the realm of virtue ethics, a “triumvirate”. Interestingly, the concept of triumvirate originates from Roman culture and contains within it the idea of a governing system made of three distinct rulers. The triumvirate that governs human formation for the Preparation is:

BE-DO-HAVE

The Stoics taught it this way: that character (being) leads to right action (doing) and therefore eudaimonia (flourishing / having). I think the modern version of this is James Clear’s Atomic Habits who re-popularized the triumvirate as Identity (Be) - Process (Do) - Outcomes (Have).

I like to think of it like this: Everyone needs to create a “home” of Self-Leadership inside themselves from which to direct their energies, self-parts (see Internal Family Systems model), passions and desires. This “home” is your true Self . . . it contains not your strongest desires, but your deepest desire to live in congruence with your virtues. It is out of this inner “home” that we create a life as unique as we are. To paraphrase The Preparation, everyone needs a “philosophical core” from which to direct their life. The authors offer this formula:

Character = Rules + Virtues + Capabilities.

With Rules, they break them into public and private rules of self-governance. For me, there was two barriers I had to work through. 1) I pride myself on already being disciplined and then I realized . . . I am actually only disciplined in SOME areas. This was convicting. 2) Another mental barrier was that I find the concept of rules a bit like going to the dentist or being told to eat my veggies . . . there is a contrarian spirit in me that’s like “no thanks, I am good.” But when I think of it like “what is inhibiting my growth and what I am capable of?” Something shifts. I also really like the rules being “red flags” that indicate areas of self-betrayal. That’s why they evoke shame or guilt, you are betraying some kind of internal value and it doesn’t feel good.

One other note: The Preparation also touches on Rene Girard’s mimetic theory (see Luke Burgis book Wanting for a non-academic introduction to it). Mimetic theory is the idea that humans don’t invent their own desires — we imitate the desires of others, which shapes our behavior, competition, and culture. It is impossible not to imitate desire. Rather the goal, Burgis contends, is that we need to find thick desires or healthy/good “models of desire”. I see thick desires as “virtue-informed longings” that orient us to a flourishing life. I like to think of the rules this way; not as pass/fail binaries but virtue-informed longings I hold myself accountable to cultivating by choosing the good. You’ll see them each listed as a choice of this>that.

Virtues can also feel somewhat arbitrary for me, almost too ethereal and non-personal. The Preparation offers a way to make it more personal and this really resonated for me. Almost like an Ignatian Examination of Consciousness:

• What are the things that make you feel small (petty, worthless, deceitful, arrogant, drained)? (Desolations to Ignatius)

• What are the things that make you feel big (alive, energized, courageous, aligned with your deepest values)? (Consolations to Ignatius)

Lastly the capabilities are the skills that you see aligning with the person you want to become a cultivate. The actions that lead to having the kind of character you want. They form the DNA for the Cycles of the curriculum you build (my take).

For me, I like to keep it simple rather than exhaustive. So here’s my current list of rules and virtues and the way I understand it, the capabilities/cycles I am interested in developing over the next 2 years, before my 40th birthday.

5 Rules or “Virtue informed Longings” I want to Govern Me

• Relationship > Task: I say yes to relationship as much as I can.

• Intimacy > Isolation: I don’t hide parts of myself from those who love me the most.

• Excavation > Arrival: I choose a continuous excavation mentality over an entitled mentality.

• Big > Small: I choose to feed things in my life that cause my soul to expand rather than shrink.

• Who > What: Ultimately I want to care more about who I become than what I become. This means I care more about how a given thing (job, AI, etc.) forms me, rather than what I can do with it.

5 Virtues to Cultivate

• Courage - My last name is Anderson; son of Andrew (Andreas “manliness or courage”). I highly recommend finding out the full meaning of your name at some point to “listen to your life” (e.g. Parker Palmer). Courage has been a north star for me in every struggle I have encountered. The courage to risk, be vulnerable, be disliked (thanks Adler), face failure, say sorry and move forward.

• Creativity - If my consciousness is the Ark with the animals inside and unconsciousness is the dark external world around it . . . I see creativity as the dove or raven sent out into the dark of the unconscious. It is a bridge to knowing all of self. It is also an ability (that can grow/diminish) that translates to all of life. A creative person is a resilient person who can approach hard things with a sense of play.

• Truthfulness - I see this as Kierkegaard’s “saint” - to will one thing. To be and live with internal and external reality integrated. Seeking wholeness at all costs.

• Apatheia - Where Stoicism and 4th century Christianity meet. Ultimately, inner stillness and mindfulness that frees one up for presence, love, self-control and service. I’d love to write more on this someday; it feeling everything and yet not being mastered by anything.

• Wisdom - Recently on a show I am loving called Task on HBO, the main character Detective Tom Brandis says that wisdom is “knowing what to overlook”. To me, it is the ability to bring all virtue & knowledge together to apply it in a way that each moment needs. To listen and see each moment so truly that you know what is called for. A question, an action, silence, etc. It is the fruit of a flourishing life.

The Preparation also touches on Rene Girard’s mimetic theory (see Luke Burgis book Wanting for a non-academic introduction to it). Mimetic theory is the idea that humans don’t invent their own desires — we imitate the desires of others, which shapes our behavior, competition, and culture. It is impossible not to imitate desire. Rather the goal, Burgis contends, is that we need to find thick desires or healthy/good “models of desire”. I see thick desires as virtue-informed longings that orient us to a flourishing life.

From these I hope over the coming months to complete these cycles. I should also note they may change, be added to (as there are more I am interested in) or there may be multiple iterations of one to go “deeper” into that capability:

• Builder - My current cycle…Hoping to share about this in a week or so. This will definitely be one I come back to.

• Entrepreneur - I just left my corporate job to help scale a family owned business to become a national player. Making this into a cycle.

• Hunter - Starting with the bow (recurve). Currently looking for a hunting partner to show me the ropes. Building a target as part of my builder cycle (cycle stacking!).

• Grappler - Hoping to get into ju jitsu (have some already but staying injury free will be key - been working on my mobility as preparation….knees aren’t in the best of shape!).

• Artist - I am a musician and vocalist but hoping to expand mediums and platforms.

More to come.